Some things you should know.

askmrjesus · 12-29-2009, 11:08 PM

Since this year is almost over, I've decided that now is a good time to reveal some things I've leaned over the last few centuries.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't you tell me this shit ten years ago?" Three reasons: I was on a bender, I was, well Ok, technically it's just one reason, but anyway, fuck you.

1. Women don't really think vibrators can replace men.

This is a total myth. Vibrators can't cuddle after sex, or bring you a Rum and Coke, or kill spiders. Plus, if a vibrator is turned on accidentally in the middle of the night, it could cause your cat to put your eyes out, while trying to escape the whirring noise coming from beneath the blankets. Helen Keller had a cat and a vibrator, and look how she turned out.

2. Tofu.

It's not really all that good for you. Sure, it's got all that happy shit about free roaming curds and whey going for it, but what they don't tell you, is that Tofu can make your tongue fall out. So why have you not heard about this before? Simple. People with no tongues don't talk much. Now you know.

3. Paris Hilton is a whore.

Don't look at me, Mr. Drippy Dick, I tried to warn you last year, and you blew me off.

4. If you put three cats in a Hefty bag, only two will come back out.

I have no explanation for this, it's just the way it works.

5. Every time I open a Hefty Bag, it has a dead cat inside it.

Crap. Sorry about that last one, she was faking it.

6. Cats are lying bastards.

They may look like they're dead, but they're not. They're just furry zombies with pointy teeth and sharp claws. So...

7. Do not feed zombie cats.

The purr is a lie.

8. Run!

Trust me, you should run. NOW!

9. You're still here.

Nice going dipshit. Jesus came all the way down from heaven to warn you about the zombie cat invasion, and you just sat there waiting for your porn download to finish.

10. There is no ten. Nine is as good as it gets. Don't be so fucking greedy.

JC

Gas Man · 12-30-2009, 12:02 AM

Awesome. I read on my bb from bed as a cat lays next to me purring like crazy. Funny huh.

Gas Man · 12-30-2009, 11:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gas Man

Awesome. I read on my bb from bed as a cat lays next to me purring like crazy. Funny huh.

See here's the purring cat... taken last night with the bb, but I was too tired to mess with hotlinking it

Captain Morgan · 12-30-2009, 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gas Man

Awesome. I read on my bb from bed as a cat lays next to me purring like crazy. Funny huh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gas Man

See here's the purring cat... taken last night with the bb, but I was too tired to mess with hotlinking it

And here I was hoping you would post a pic of a different "cat"

Gas Man · 01-01-2010, 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Avatard

Gas Man, your cat reminds me of an old friend that I miss dearly.

Yeah who?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Captain Morgan

And here I was hoping you would post a pic of a different "cat"

Sorry

Avatard · 01-02-2010, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gas Man

Yeah who?

Probably the best cat and friend I ever knew. His name was Ozzy, but he was known to his friends as Bob. Bob knew how to sit, give the paw, wave, and trusted me like no one else. He died in my arms. Miss ya, Bob.

BobTheBiker · 12-30-2009, 12:22 AM

damn! gotta get my shotgun!

HokieDNA01 · 12-30-2009, 03:00 AM

you can kill spiders with a vibrator. Just hit them with it

Amber Lamps · 12-30-2009, 07:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HokieDNA01

you can kill spiders with a vibrator. Just hit them with it

ESPECIALLY the "Long Dong Silver Special Edition" that Hokie uses...

Particle Man · 12-30-2009, 07:50 AM

where do you come up with this shit

12-29-2009, 11:08 PM	#1
askmrjesus Soul Man Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Everywhere, all the time. Moto: '0000 Custom Turbo Cross (with jet kit). Posts: 6,481	Some things you should know. Since this year is almost over, I've decided that now is a good time to reveal some things I've leaned over the last few centuries. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Why didn't you tell me this shit ten years ago?" Three reasons: I was on a bender, I was, well Ok, technically it's just one reason, but anyway, fuck you. 1. Women don't really think vibrators can replace men. This is a total myth. Vibrators can't cuddle after sex, or bring you a Rum and Coke, or kill spiders. Plus, if a vibrator is turned on accidentally in the middle of the night, it could cause your cat to put your eyes out, while trying to escape the whirring noise coming from beneath the blankets. Helen Keller had a cat and a vibrator, and look how she turned out. 2. Tofu. It's not really all that good for you. Sure, it's got all that happy shit about free roaming curds and whey going for it, but what they don't tell you, is that Tofu can make your tongue fall out. So why have you not heard about this before? Simple. People with no tongues don't talk much. Now you know. 3. Paris Hilton is a whore. Don't look at me, Mr. Drippy Dick, I tried to warn you last year, and you blew me off. 4. If you put three cats in a Hefty bag, only two will come back out. I have no explanation for this, it's just the way it works. 5. Every time I open a Hefty Bag, it has a dead cat inside it. Crap. Sorry about that last one, she was faking it. 6. Cats are lying bastards. They may look like they're dead, but they're not. They're just furry zombies with pointy teeth and sharp claws. So... 7. Do not feed zombie cats. The purr is a lie. 8. Run! Trust me, you should run. NOW! 9. You're still here. Nice going dipshit. Jesus came all the way down from heaven to warn you about the zombie cat invasion, and you just sat there waiting for your porn download to finish. 10. There is no ten. Nine is as good as it gets. Don't be so fucking greedy. JC __________________ The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me.

12-30-2009, 03:00 AM	#8
HokieDNA01 WERA White Plate Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Nashville, TN Moto: 2007 Suzuki GSX-r 750 Posts: 1,404	you can kill spiders with a vibrator. Just hit them with it __________________ XX>XY 2014 Honda NC700X 2007 Suzuki GSX-r 750 2000 Yamaha XT225 2004 Kawasaki EX250 (sold)

12-30-2009, 07:50 AM	#10
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	where do you come up with this shit __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

12-30-2009, 12:02 AM	#2
Gas Man Trip's Assistant Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Imported from Detroit Moto: 2009 HD Street Classic Posts: 12,149	Awesome. I read on my bb from bed as a cat lays next to me purring like crazy. Funny huh.

12-30-2009, 12:22 AM	#7
BobTheBiker too much time on my hands Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: the northern district of god damn Moto: 01 ZX6R, looking for more now. Posts: 1,802	damn! gotta get my shotgun!