Got this in the email today

[derf]

Made me laugh a little



Dear Scientist,

I am cold. For the past few years I have been hearing about global
warming, and all the efforts you and your fellow scientist to control
the rapid warming of the earth. In fact I applaude your efforts,
however the last few years have been quite cool and I really don't see
much of a temperature change from where I stand. I am cold. It is now
the middle of June and here in NJ we have had a record amount of rain
and an unseasonably cool summer. This summer has been so cool in fact
that I have only worn a t-shirt one time, let alone go for a dip in
the pool. I am thinking about trying to "globally warm" a smaller area
of the earth, about one half acre (the size of my back yard. At this
point my efforts have yielded no results.

My first experiment is through aerosol cans. My research has shown
that the product "Hairnet" is no longer produced with aerosol however
Loews still carries a number of different spray paint cans which are
very similar to aerosol cans, and preceded to empty 14 cans of black
paint into the atmosphere. I did this on day that was not windy at all
and again I measured no noticeable temperature fluctuations other that
what can be expected on a daily basis. I had at this point dubbed my
experimenting "Globally Influenced Local Climate Influencing
Posturing" GILCIP for short, although my wife says that it is a rather
catchy name and I should try to patent it so that it does not get
stolen and misused.

My second experiment in GILCIP had to do with the internal combustion
engine. I wrapped saran wrap around the fence in my back yard (at
great expense to myself, it took 18 saran wrap packages to complete
this task), and pointed the exhaust from my car in that general
direction. After letting my car run with the exhaust spewing into my
back yard for two tanks of gas, 15 gallons each tank, and not noticing
any large fluctuations in temperature (except what was expected due to
natural daily temperature variations) I decided that this experiment
was a failure.

My third and final experiment with GILCIP was with deforestation. I
had read in National Geographic magazine that deforestation is among
the leading possible causes of climate change. It took me a long time
to come to the realization, by the end of the Dr. House marathon I had
come to the realization that one possibly both trees would need to be
sacrificed in the name of science. I started out with the tree in the
far back corner of the yard. It only took me about 20 minutes with the
chain saw and I had it down in it's side, de-branched, de-barked, and
cut into 22 smaller pieces for transport to my fire pit. Not wanting
to totally destroy my lawn I decided against burning the grass to
clear it away. After two days of measuring the outside temperature of
my back yard I noticed no change, so I went ahead and cut down the
other tree which is just behind the house. Again I measure the
temperature for 2 more days and nothing has changed. Finally I decided
that the deforestation experiments had failed.

I am doing my best not to affect the climate on a global scale, just
on a very local one, all the rest of my ideas for experiments include
rather large, expensive and destructive ideas, and I am not willing to
create a volcano or detonate a small yield nuclear warhead.

If there is anything else that you think I can do to warm up the area
that is my back yard please let me know. At this point I still have my
saran wrap fence still up and am willing to continue experimenting. I
did get a sunburn from all this so it is possible that I might have
damaged the ozone layer directly above my house, please check into
that for me.

Also can you please forward this to any other scientist friends you
may have who can possibly help me, it would be greatly appreciated. I
tried contacting Al Gore about this for his opinion, but to this point
he has not replied to me.

-Mullens