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#1 |
Serious Business
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Moto: 1993 ZX-11 2008 CBR1000rr
Posts: 9,723
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> Diary of a snow shoveler, probable location - North East
> > December 8 - 6:00 PM > It started to snow. > The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. > It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. > So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. > I love snow! > > December 9 > We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. > What a fantastic sight! > Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? > Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! > Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. > I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. > This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. > What a perfect life! > > December 12 > The sun has melted all our lovely snow. > Such a disappointment! > My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. > No snow on Christmas would be awful! > Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again > I don't think that's possible. > Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor. > > December 14 > Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. > The temperature dropped to -20. > The cold makes everything sparkle so. > The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. > This is the life! > The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. > I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. > I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so. > > December 15 > 20 inches forecast. > Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. > Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. > Stocked the freezer. > The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. > I think that's silly. > We aren't in Alaska, after all. > > December 16 > Ice storm this morning. > Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. > Hurt like hell. > The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. > > December 17 > Still way below freezing. > Roads are too icy to go anywhere. > Electricity was off for 5 hours. > I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. > Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. > Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. > God I hate it when she's right. > I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. > > December 20 > Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. > More shoveling! > Took all day. > The damn snowplow came by twice. > Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. > I think they're lying. > Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. > Might have another shipment in March. > I think they're lying. > Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. > I think he's lying. > > December 22 > Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. > Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. > By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. > Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. > > December 23 > Only 2 inches of snow today > And it warmed up to 0. > The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. > What is she, nuts?!! > Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? > She says she did but I think she's lying. > > December 24 > 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. > Thought I was having a heart attack. > If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. > I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! > Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow. > > December 25 > Merry freaking Christmas! > 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in. > The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. > God, I hate the snow! > Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. > The wife says I have a bad attitude. > I think she's an idiot. > If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave. > > December 26 > Still snowed in. > Why the hell did I ever move here? > It was all HER idea. > She's really getting on my nerves. > > December 27 > Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes. > > December 28 > Warmed up to above -20. > Still snowed in. > The BITCH is driving me crazy!!! > > December 29 > 10 more inches. > Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. > That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? > > December 30 > Roof caved in. > I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. > The wife went home to her mother. > Nine more inches predicted. > > December 31 > I set fire to what's left of the house. > No more shoveling. > > January 8 > Feel so good. > I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. > Why am I tied to the bed? > > |
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