Today's Funny - Page 3

racedoll · 12-17-2009, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

CasterTroy · 12-21-2009, 04:49 PM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

racedoll · 12-04-2009, 11:09 PM

Figured I better have a funny for today now too.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

racedoll · 12-05-2009, 10:02 AM

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

"Well," she proudly replies, "I have a beautiful daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

tached1000rr · 12-05-2009, 02:12 PM

CasterTroy · 12-08-2009, 02:47 PM

Three bulls are standing around in the pasture. Word around the farm is that the farmer's just bought another bull.

Senior Bull, none too happy with the news, remarks: "I tell you what, guys...I've been here the longest, I've got my 200 cows, and if this new guy thinks he's getting any of mine, he's got another think coming."

Junior Bull concurs. "I've got my 150 cows, and I'm keeping 'em, you can bet on that."

Youngest Bull opines, "I may be the youngest, but I've got my 50 cows, I've fought hard for 'em, and this new guy's just gonna have to wait his turn."

Just then, the bull rack pulls up in the pasture. The driver drops the ramp and runs full-tilt back to the cab...and the ground begins shaking. Out of the trailer steps the biggest bull anyone's ever seen. He looks both ways, tosses his horns, and

s with an unquestionable "who wants some" attitude.

Senior Bull says: "Y'know, guys...I'm getting on in years, and I can't really do justice to 200 cows. I think I might just let the new guy have some, as a welcoming gesture, ya know."

"Well, if this guy wants some of my cows, I don't think I'm going to argue," remarks Junior Bull. They both turn to look at Youngest Bull, who's shaking his horns,

ing, and pawing the ground.

"Kid," says Senior Bull, "don't be stupid. If you want to see the sun rise tomorrow, just give up some of your cows!"

"Hell, he can have all the cows!" replies Youngest Bull. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!"

racedoll · 12-08-2009, 08:14 PM

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Particle Man · 12-08-2009, 09:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

marko138 · 12-09-2009, 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Nice.

racedoll · 12-14-2009, 10:06 PM

One for today....

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies:

1. "I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."

2. "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

3. "Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

4. "I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received."

5. "Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message."

6. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this one is that when you return,you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. "Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

8. "Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

9. "I've run away to join a different circus."

10. "I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Kenny."

12-21-2009, 04:49 PM	#2
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-08-2009, 02:47 PM	#6
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Three bulls are standing around in the pasture. Word around the farm is that the farmer's just bought another bull. Senior Bull, none too happy with the news, remarks: "I tell you what, guys...I've been here the longest, I've got my 200 cows, and if this new guy thinks he's getting any of mine, he's got another think coming." Junior Bull concurs. "I've got my 150 cows, and I'm keeping 'em, you can bet on that." Youngest Bull opines, "I may be the youngest, but I've got my 50 cows, I've fought hard for 'em, and this new guy's just gonna have to wait his turn." Just then, the bull rack pulls up in the pasture. The driver drops the ramp and runs full-tilt back to the cab...and the ground begins shaking. Out of the trailer steps the biggest bull anyone's ever seen. He looks both ways, tosses his horns, and s with an unquestionable "who wants some" attitude. Senior Bull says: "Y'know, guys...I'm getting on in years, and I can't really do justice to 200 cows. I think I might just let the new guy have some, as a welcoming gesture, ya know." "Well, if this guy wants some of my cows, I don't think I'm going to argue," remarks Junior Bull. They both turn to look at Youngest Bull, who's shaking his horns, ing, and pawing the ground. "Kid," says Senior Bull, "don't be stupid. If you want to see the sun rise tomorrow, just give up some of your cows!" "Hell, he can have all the cows!" replies Youngest Bull. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!" __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-04-2009, 11:09 PM	#3
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Figured I better have a funny for today now too. Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f%^ing weirdoes can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Btch from H*ll!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan

12-05-2009, 10:02 AM	#4
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Catholic Coffee Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?" "Well," she proudly replies, "I have a beautiful daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

12-05-2009, 02:12 PM	#5
tached1000rr WERA White Plate Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: NC Moto: 2009 GSXR 1300 Posts: 2,448

12-08-2009, 08:14 PM	#7
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	2009's First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carol's." And So The Christmas Season Begins......

12-14-2009, 10:06 PM	#10
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	One for today.... Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies: 1. "I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood." 2. "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all." 3. "Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team." 4. "I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received." 5. "Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message." 6. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this one is that when you return,you can see who did this over and over and over...) 7. "Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks." 8. "Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response." 9. "I've run away to join a different circus." 10. "I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Kenny."