Today's Funny - Page 2

CasterTroy · 12-03-2009, 08:30 AM

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month."

CasterTroy · 12-04-2009, 03:17 PM

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

Rider · 12-04-2009, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.

It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

racedoll · 12-05-2009, 12:09 AM

Figured I better have a funny for today now too.

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 2, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 3, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 4, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdoes can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

racedoll · 12-05-2009, 11:02 AM

Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

"Well," she proudly replies, "I have a beautiful daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

tached1000rr · 12-05-2009, 03:12 PM

CasterTroy · 12-08-2009, 03:47 PM

Three bulls are standing around in the pasture. Word around the farm is that the farmer's just bought another bull.

Senior Bull, none too happy with the news, remarks: "I tell you what, guys...I've been here the longest, I've got my 200 cows, and if this new guy thinks he's getting any of mine, he's got another think coming."

Junior Bull concurs. "I've got my 150 cows, and I'm keeping 'em, you can bet on that."

Youngest Bull opines, "I may be the youngest, but I've got my 50 cows, I've fought hard for 'em, and this new guy's just gonna have to wait his turn."

Just then, the bull rack pulls up in the pasture. The driver drops the ramp and runs full-tilt back to the cab...and the ground begins shaking. Out of the trailer steps the biggest bull anyone's ever seen. He looks both ways, tosses his horns, and

s with an unquestionable "who wants some" attitude.

Senior Bull says: "Y'know, guys...I'm getting on in years, and I can't really do justice to 200 cows. I think I might just let the new guy have some, as a welcoming gesture, ya know."

"Well, if this guy wants some of my cows, I don't think I'm going to argue," remarks Junior Bull. They both turn to look at Youngest Bull, who's shaking his horns,

ing, and pawing the ground.

"Kid," says Senior Bull, "don't be stupid. If you want to see the sun rise tomorrow, just give up some of your cows!"

"Hell, he can have all the cows!" replies Youngest Bull. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!"

racedoll · 12-08-2009, 09:14 PM

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Particle Man · 12-08-2009, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

marko138 · 12-09-2009, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

2009's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

Nice.

12-03-2009, 08:30 AM	#11
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it... third gay rooster I bought this month." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl Last edited by CasterTroy; 12-04-2009 at 03:17 PM..

12-04-2009, 03:17 PM	#12
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-08-2009, 03:47 PM	#17
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Three bulls are standing around in the pasture. Word around the farm is that the farmer's just bought another bull. Senior Bull, none too happy with the news, remarks: "I tell you what, guys...I've been here the longest, I've got my 200 cows, and if this new guy thinks he's getting any of mine, he's got another think coming." Junior Bull concurs. "I've got my 150 cows, and I'm keeping 'em, you can bet on that." Youngest Bull opines, "I may be the youngest, but I've got my 50 cows, I've fought hard for 'em, and this new guy's just gonna have to wait his turn." Just then, the bull rack pulls up in the pasture. The driver drops the ramp and runs full-tilt back to the cab...and the ground begins shaking. Out of the trailer steps the biggest bull anyone's ever seen. He looks both ways, tosses his horns, and s with an unquestionable "who wants some" attitude. Senior Bull says: "Y'know, guys...I'm getting on in years, and I can't really do justice to 200 cows. I think I might just let the new guy have some, as a welcoming gesture, ya know." "Well, if this guy wants some of my cows, I don't think I'm going to argue," remarks Junior Bull. They both turn to look at Youngest Bull, who's shaking his horns, ing, and pawing the ground. "Kid," says Senior Bull, "don't be stupid. If you want to see the sun rise tomorrow, just give up some of your cows!" "Hell, he can have all the cows!" replies Youngest Bull. "I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!!" __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-05-2009, 12:09 AM	#14
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Figured I better have a funny for today now too. Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 1, 2009 RE: Gala Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 2, 2009 RE: Gala Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: October 3, 2009 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: October 4, 2009 RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F%^ing Employees DATE: October 5, 2009 RE: The F%^ing Holiday Party I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! The rest of you f%^ing weirdoes can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The Btch from H*ll!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Company Memo FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: October 6, 2009 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays! Joan

12-05-2009, 11:02 AM	#15
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Catholic Coffee Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men gave her a look and said, "Well....?" "Well," she proudly replies, "I have a beautiful daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts, 24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

12-05-2009, 03:12 PM	#16
tached1000rr WERA White Plate Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: NC Moto: 2009 GSXR 1300 Posts: 2,448

12-08-2009, 09:14 PM	#18
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	2009's First Christmas Joke Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carol's." And So The Christmas Season Begins......