The Joke Thread

OTB · 03-10-2008, 10:05 PM

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,

"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

vabarber2 · 03-10-2008, 10:07 PM

Good One!

Audiomechanic · 03-10-2008, 10:13 PM

Nice!

Here's one:
Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house.'

Dave · 03-10-2008, 10:13 PM

twf!

oh you meant actual jokes lol

fpzx10 · 03-10-2008, 11:23 PM

Larry was on his deathbed. His wife asked if he had any last wishes.
He said, "After I pass on, I want you to marry Jack."
His wife then replied, "But honey, I thought you hated Jack."
Larry said, "I do."

OTB · 03-11-2008, 09:04 AM

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

marko138 · 03-11-2008, 10:50 AM

Nice work guys.

vabarber2 · 03-12-2008, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OTB

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH

Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Wait a minute! Im from VA!!! We make the same joke, but say WEST Virginia!!!!

Rider · 08-27-2008, 09:00 AM

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him
said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-ter-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a
mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she
reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

Mr Lefty · 11-11-2008, 09:11 PM

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

03-10-2008, 10:05 PM	#1
OTB The Man Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: CrabTown USA Moto: 00 Bimota DB4 Posts: 823	The Joke Thread Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John then quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500". Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player

03-10-2008, 10:13 PM	#3
Audiomechanic Mobile Post-Whore Unit Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Houston, TX Moto: 2000 Honda Magna 750 Posts: 455	Nice! Here's one: Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.' Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon ......... You got nice house.' __________________ This is my signature. Yay.

03-10-2008, 11:23 PM	#5
fpzx10 Rides a Crotch Scooter Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: shitville Moto: 2007 GSXR 750 Posts: 714	Larry was on his deathbed. His wife asked if he had any last wishes. He said, "After I pass on, I want you to marry Jack." His wife then replied, "But honey, I thought you hated Jack." Larry said, "I do." __________________

03-10-2008, 10:07 PM	#2
vabarber2 ICON FTW!!! Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: VA, but currently in the sand Moto: 00GSXR6 Posts: 1,380	Good One!

03-10-2008, 10:13 PM	#4
Dave Chaotic Neutral Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Cherry Hill NJ Moto: GV1200 Madura, Hawk gt Posts: 13,992	twf! oh you meant actual jokes lol

03-11-2008, 09:04 AM	#6
OTB The Man Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: CrabTown USA Moto: 00 Bimota DB4 Posts: 823	NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no. The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again. The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table. His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

08-27-2008, 09:00 AM	#9
Rider Moto GP Star Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 12,156	Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!" LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS: Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH: Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-ter-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR: One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

11-11-2008, 09:11 PM	#10
Mr Lefty TWFix Legend Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Denver CO Moto: 01 BMW F650GS Dakar Posts: 15,677	A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.