Today's Funny - Page 6

Rider · 01-08-2010, 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Particle Man

Coming soon from a drug company near you: Tiagra. Good for 18 holes...

Yeah but it cost's $55 million.

karl_1052 · 01-08-2010, 12:42 PM

The Camel

A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane s ** with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

psychochild28 · 01-08-2010, 02:08 PM

racedoll · 01-12-2010, 10:14 PM

Dear Diary: Ohio Winters:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is Truly God's Country.

Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio . I hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Ass !!!!

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the S O B who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddarn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that darn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Ohio.

psychochild28 · 01-12-2010, 11:06 PM

so very true.

CasterTroy · 01-13-2010, 07:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

Dear Diary: Ohio Winters:
.

So THATS why all those bastards tear up our roads all year getting to Myrtle Beach

racedoll · 01-13-2010, 08:32 PM

WHY WOMEN CAN'T SLEEP
Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well.....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.
A man has only 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

derf · 01-13-2010, 09:27 PM

Just talked to a friend of mine.

He was a groomsman in a wedding over the weekend, the bride, who is apparently a real bitch (like world class bitch from hell). 3 hours before the wedding was at the catering hall dropping off some last minute stuff because she wanted everything to be perfect. Got into a fight with the florist because the shade of the flowers didnt match her eyes, she spit at the florist while he was talking to her and she told him to fix it. So the florist packed up and started to take his shit back and screw the wedding job, she started to chase him out of the hall (running) while wearing high heels, tripped and broke both her ankles (like very broken). She refused to miss the ceremony so instead of going to a hospital had her mother carry her around got in her dress, and went to the church. While she was walking down the aisle a bone broke the skin putting her on the floor in the middle of the church. She tried to walk 2 more times yelling and cursing that everybody ruined her wedding day and started to spit at people when everybody started to tell her that the wedding needed to be postponed until she went to the hospital. Her husband was trying to convince her to accept medical attention and she spit in his face.

Apparently while they were loading her in the ambulance he took his ring off tossed it at her and said that he was gonna have fun at the break up party (reception) and she could keep the ring. (DAMN!!!)

I hate to say it but the girl was a complete bitch and deserved what she got

HurricaneHeather · 01-14-2010, 09:37 AM

Is that a true story?

Were these people on that show Jersey Shore?

Rider · 01-14-2010, 10:06 AM

Just another fine example of a trailer trash wedding. She probably broke her ankles because she weighed 400lbs and was pregnant twins.

01-08-2010, 12:42 PM	#52
karl_1052 sergeant hatred Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Ottawa Moto: The bus Posts: 2,723	The Camel A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane s ** with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are." __________________ My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

01-13-2010, 09:27 PM	#58
derf token jewboy Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: CBR 900, KLR ugly ass duckling, Gas Man Posts: 10,799	Just talked to a friend of mine. He was a groomsman in a wedding over the weekend, the bride, who is apparently a real bitch (like world class bitch from hell). 3 hours before the wedding was at the catering hall dropping off some last minute stuff because she wanted everything to be perfect. Got into a fight with the florist because the shade of the flowers didnt match her eyes, she spit at the florist while he was talking to her and she told him to fix it. So the florist packed up and started to take his shit back and screw the wedding job, she started to chase him out of the hall (running) while wearing high heels, tripped and broke both her ankles (like very broken). She refused to miss the ceremony so instead of going to a hospital had her mother carry her around got in her dress, and went to the church. While she was walking down the aisle a bone broke the skin putting her on the floor in the middle of the church. She tried to walk 2 more times yelling and cursing that everybody ruined her wedding day and started to spit at people when everybody started to tell her that the wedding needed to be postponed until she went to the hospital. Her husband was trying to convince her to accept medical attention and she spit in his face. Apparently while they were loading her in the ambulance he took his ring off tossed it at her and said that he was gonna have fun at the break up party (reception) and she could keep the ring. (DAMN!!!) I hate to say it but the girl was a complete bitch and deserved what she got __________________

01-08-2010, 02:08 PM	#53
psychochild28 Banned Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: On a bus Moto: SV 650S Posts: 857

01-12-2010, 10:14 PM	#54
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Dear Diary: Ohio Winters: Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Ohio . It is so beautiful here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see the change in the seasons. This is Truly God's Country. Oct. 14 - Ohio is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the real special places on earth. The leaves are turning a multitude of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on earth. This must be paradise. Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can't imagine why anyone would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very symbol of peace and tranquility here in Ohio . I hope it snows soon. I love it here! Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp, clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I love it here! Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love it here! Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work in time. I'm exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that snowplow! Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I've got blisters on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow driver waits around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Ass !!!! Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin' snow. If I ever get my hands on the S O B who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll castrate him. And why don't they use more salt on these roads to melt this crap?? Dec. 28 - It hasn't stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been inside since then, except of course when that SOB "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows. Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea how many shovelfuls 10 inches is?? Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it's coming down it won't melt until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and the shithead actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a shovel! I told him I'd broken 6 already this season. Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get some food and a goddarn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you ask me. Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the chance. May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that darn salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of rusted cow shit. May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their freakin' mind would ever want to live in the God forsaken State of Ohio.

01-12-2010, 11:06 PM	#55
psychochild28 Banned Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: On a bus Moto: SV 650S Posts: 857	so very true.

01-14-2010, 09:37 AM	#59
HurricaneHeather AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Sydney Moto: '98 Honda Fireblade Posts: 3,696	Is that a true story? Were these people on that show Jersey Shore?

01-14-2010, 10:06 AM	#60
Rider Moto GP Star Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 12,156	Just another fine example of a trailer trash wedding. She probably broke her ankles because she weighed 400lbs and was pregnant twins.