AMJ collection, volume 2

LittleTaz · 11-17-2008, 08:04 PM

The Swedish Book of the Dead

Am I referring to a long lost scroll of names written of the skins of petrified ludefisk?

No.

I am referring to the new 2008 Ikea catalog, a copy of which, my wife is clutching like a newborn child with no feet.

We visited an Ikea today, because I was stupid enough to mention that I needed a new desk lamp. "Well, lets just pop into Ikea, since we're passing by it today anyway" she said.

Like a complete fucking idiot, I said ok.

First off, If you have never been to an Ikea, you should know that they are designed and built like very complicated rat traps. The place is a goddamned maze, designed to drive you insane while emptying your wallet. They have maps of the store on large posters, that resemble dance instructions, only instead of feet with numbers on them, they have little dots the meander around a bunch of Swedish crap, that only serve to lead you to more Swedish crap.

Second, the place is a fucking umlaut fest. Umlauts, are those little dots you see over the vowels in Swedish words, that enable you to make almost normal words unpronounceable. Interestingly enough, the word "Umlaut" has no umlauts in it. A desk lamp? Oh no sir, you need an Oblerhubenisk, or perhaps an Ufderlgte would be more to your liking. Fuck me. I just want to leave, but I can't because...

Third- Ikeas only go in one direction. Try to turn around and you are screwed. The escalator only goes towards the Swedish crap when you come in. If you want to go down, you must complete the entire maze.

We've been there for about an hour, and I haven't even seen a fucking desk lamp. I have seen a new set of dishes, a comforter cover, a headboard/storage/night table unit (that I will have to assemble tomorrow), some little Swedish candles that ward off evil spirits, and a whole bunch of other shit I didn't think we needed, but now own.

Finally, I find a desk lamp (The Forsa in black, if you must know), and we make our way to the check out after picking up a 15 pack of meatballs while in line.

The clerk asked me if I found everything ok.

I said, "No, there's one thing I couldn't locate."

"What's that?"

"The t-shirts that say, All I wanted was a fucking desk lamp."

JC

Particle Man · 11-17-2008, 08:51 PM

another classic

DIMford · 11-17-2008, 08:52 PM

cuttle · 11-18-2008, 09:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LittleTaz

Second, the place is a fucking umlaut fest. Umlauts, are those little dots you see over the vowels in Swedish words, that enable you to make almost normal words unpronounceable. Interestingly enough, the word "Umlaut" has no umlauts in it. A desk lamp? Oh no sir, you need an Oblerhubenisk, or perhaps an Ufderlgte would be more to your liking. Fuck me. I just want to leave, but I can't because...

JC

es ist möglich, daß wir Stühle überhaupt nicht kaufen müssen...

Cruzergirl · 11-18-2008, 09:12 AM

Dieser Post machte mich Kichern.

I think I need more of the brew Cuttle sent for last SS before my translations get really good.

ericr · 11-18-2008, 12:58 PM

Another classic

11-17-2008, 08:04 PM	#1
LittleTaz WERA Yellow Plate Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Greenbrier, TN Moto: '00 Ninja 250 Posts: 748	AMJ collection, volume 2 The Swedish Book of the Dead Am I referring to a long lost scroll of names written of the skins of petrified ludefisk? No. I am referring to the new 2008 Ikea catalog, a copy of which, my wife is clutching like a newborn child with no feet. We visited an Ikea today, because I was stupid enough to mention that I needed a new desk lamp. "Well, lets just pop into Ikea, since we're passing by it today anyway" she said. Like a complete fucking idiot, I said ok. First off, If you have never been to an Ikea, you should know that they are designed and built like very complicated rat traps. The place is a goddamned maze, designed to drive you insane while emptying your wallet. They have maps of the store on large posters, that resemble dance instructions, only instead of feet with numbers on them, they have little dots the meander around a bunch of Swedish crap, that only serve to lead you to more Swedish crap. Second, the place is a fucking umlaut fest. Umlauts, are those little dots you see over the vowels in Swedish words, that enable you to make almost normal words unpronounceable. Interestingly enough, the word "Umlaut" has no umlauts in it. A desk lamp? Oh no sir, you need an Oblerhubenisk, or perhaps an Ufderlgte would be more to your liking. Fuck me. I just want to leave, but I can't because... Third- Ikeas only go in one direction. Try to turn around and you are screwed. The escalator only goes towards the Swedish crap when you come in. If you want to go down, you must complete the entire maze. We've been there for about an hour, and I haven't even seen a fucking desk lamp. I have seen a new set of dishes, a comforter cover, a headboard/storage/night table unit (that I will have to assemble tomorrow), some little Swedish candles that ward off evil spirits, and a whole bunch of other shit I didn't think we needed, but now own. Finally, I find a desk lamp (The Forsa in black, if you must know), and we make our way to the check out after picking up a 15 pack of meatballs while in line. The clerk asked me if I found everything ok. I said, "No, there's one thing I couldn't locate." "What's that?" "The t-shirts that say, All I wanted was a fucking desk lamp." JC __________________ Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most

11-17-2008, 08:51 PM	#2
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	another classic __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

11-17-2008, 08:52 PM	#3
DIMford Nothing beats the RWB Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Norfolk, Va Moto: 07 Honda Interceptor Posts: 305	__________________ The Road is a beautiful but dangerous mistress. She'll taunt and tease you with wonderful curves and glorious heights till you lose all control. Then leave you broken and bleeding to tease the next man.

11-18-2008, 09:12 AM	#5
Cruzergirl Its a good day. Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Pace, FL Moto: Victory Kingpin Low Posts: 951	Dieser Post machte mich Kichern. I think I need more of the brew Cuttle sent for last SS before my translations get really good.