airline funnies: involves reading

[RACER X]

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude And will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if You can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was Quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or Were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on the horn, " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we Hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[ontwo]

My coworkers think I've lost it. I'm crying in my office

[lauralynne]

#18 made me cry

[RACER X]

Originally Posted by LabtopThief_jr.

I was flying to Canada years ago and the pilot or co-pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen thank you for choosing southwest airlines we hope you enjoy the long ride to a frozen wasteland eh."

lol

[CasterTroy]

I didn't fly until I was 30.

It was southwest and it was first come first serve seating.

I chose the emergency door aisle because it had more legroom. I also chose a window seat.

I guess because I was looking out the window so eagerly, AND I was actually paying attention to her earlier when she was making the safety speech everyone seems to ignore, the flight attendant (who was kind of a hot MILF) leaned over the guy next to me and asked me “if this your first time on a commercial flight”

I was embarrassed that she pegged me, but with a sheepish grin said “yep”

She then quietly told me “Now, you know since you’re in THIS aisle what you have to do in the event of an emergency don’t you?”

I looked around….no one was listening….and leaned into her and said “no”….expecting maybe a cool little secret….maybe a boob flash, or even an invitation to the mile high club?

Nope……

She stood up and in regular voice (no longer just above a whisper) said “You tuck your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, THAT’S what you do” and started laughing

[RACER X]

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

[fasternyou929]

I still remember a flight from about 8 years ago on ATA Airlines. After a brutal, 100+mph too fast landing, the flight attendant came on and said "for those of you staying in Chicago, your luggage is scattered down runway 7. For those of you continuing on this flight, I wish you the best of luck."

On that same flight, the (pimply faced and wore braces) captain had left the intercom on and you could clearly hear him yell "oh shit" after we slammed into the ground. I thought for sure we were going to break through the wall surrounding Midway and end up in the middle of Cicero Avenue.

That was the only time I sweat and nearly ripped the arm off my chair during a landing, and the last discount airline I ever flew.

[RACER X]

Originally Posted by phork

last time i flew to los angeles i heard,

"thank you for joining continental on this flight to los angeles, in the event that we have to make an emergency water landing your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device. however, the fact that we will not be flying over any water and should we, for some odd reason, need to make a emergency water landing your seat cushion might not be of much use as we have gone WAY off course...".

i laughed for about 10 minutes. everyone around me stared at me nervously.

.....

[RACER X]

Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway."
Tower: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
Tower: "Speedbird 206, don't you know where to go?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by tower, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Tower (growing impatient): "Speedbird 206, haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"
Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but it was dark and I didn't land."


Unknown Pilot (waiting in a very long takeoff queue): "I'm f**king bored."
Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, please identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid."

Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn right 20 degrees."
Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 767?"

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence 737.
Pilot (Cessna N1234): San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
Tower: UA 1201, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Pilot (UA 1201): ... Uh, roger [giggling and laughter in the background]

[Particle Man]

Originally Posted by RACER X

Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Frankfurt tower, Speedbird 206 is clear of the active runway."
Tower: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
Pilot (Speedbird 206): [silence, standing still just off of the runway]
Tower: "Speedbird 206, don't you know where to go?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by tower, I'm looking up the gate location now."
Tower (growing impatient): "Speedbird 206, haven't you ever been to Frankfurt?"
Pilot (Speedbird 206): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but it was dark and I didn't land."


Unknown Pilot (waiting in a very long takeoff queue): "I'm f**king bored."
Tower: "Last aircraft transmitting, please identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Pilot: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid."

Tower: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn right 20 degrees."
Pilot (Flight 2431): "Roger, but we're at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Flight 2431, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 767?"

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence 737.
Pilot (Cessna N1234): San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
Tower: UA 1201, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
Pilot (UA 1201): ... Uh, roger [giggling and laughter in the background]

Nice