Today's Funny

racedoll · 12-01-2009, 11:40 PM

Sorry if this is a re-post. It was too funny not to. I died laughing reading this to hubby.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required..

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

Particle Man · 12-02-2009, 08:40 AM

yeah, been posted before but still

marko138 · 12-02-2009, 09:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Particle Man

yeah, been posted before but still

Yes.

wildchild · 12-02-2009, 09:25 AM

still laugh out loud every time I read it. I think it was written with my two dogs in mind. LOL

z06boy · 12-02-2009, 10:52 AM

We have a dog and a cat so I'm sending this to my wife and a few other peeps that have pets as well.

CasterTroy · 12-02-2009, 03:25 PM

A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Particle Man · 12-02-2009, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

These days that's probably a possibility...

HurricaneHeather · 12-02-2009, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marko138

Yes.

I believe the appropriate response is: This.

tommymac · 12-02-2009, 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Particle Man

These days that's probably a possibility...

Esp out where I work

Tom

racedoll · 12-02-2009, 08:20 PM

Another funny for today.

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name..

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears.

12-01-2009, 11:40 PM	#1
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Today's Funny Sorry if this is a re-post. It was too funny not to. I died laughing reading this to hubby. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY. FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY. The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door. Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: (1) They live here. You don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly. Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they: (1) eat less, (2) don't ask for money all the time, (3) are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5) never ask to drive the car, (6) don't smoke or drink, (7) don't want to wear your clothes, (8) don't have to buy the latest fashions, (9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and (10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

12-02-2009, 08:40 AM	#2
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	yeah, been posted before but still __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

12-02-2009, 03:25 PM	#6
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	A blond goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blond replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blond. He looks out from his office and sees the blond crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blond. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!' __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

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12-02-2009, 09:25 AM	#4
wildchild cruiser Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: on the run Moto: '09 HD superglide, 16 Yamaha FZ 09 Posts: 2,749	still laugh out loud every time I read it. I think it was written with my two dogs in mind. LOL

12-02-2009, 10:52 AM	#5
z06boy Letzroll Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Lake Norman area, NC Moto: 07 Red R1 & 07 Blue R6 Posts: 5,265	We have a dog and a cat so I'm sending this to my wife and a few other peeps that have pets as well.

12-02-2009, 08:20 PM	#10
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Another funny for today. A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears.