todays funnies

RACER X · 12-11-2009, 09:02 AM

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don't do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can't make a fist.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack

Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography?
A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.

Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.

Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet?
A. He was looking for pooh!

Q. What did one tit say to the other?
A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He is usually home with the kids!

Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run?
A. Because the grass tickles their balls!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
A. They couldn't close his casket.

Q. Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer?
A. The microwave, the other two leak when they're ****ed!

Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
A. Dicktator

Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh.
A. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. **** Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?
A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?
A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?
A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

------------------------------------------------------------

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm.. The turbulence is awful, and things go
from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One
woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she
yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last
minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on
this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stare,
riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of
the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark
brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the
aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.

One button at a time........

No one moves...................

He removes his shirt................

Muscles rippled across his chest..........

She gasps....................

He whispers in her ear................

...

...

...
...
...
'Iron this....then get me a beer.

--------------------------------------------------------

Conclusion of the day:

A backwoods girl from shitville is just turned 13, blonda hair, blue eyes, 5 ft. 8, 100 pounds wonders why she aint married yet... Her brothers must be gay

------------------------------------------------------------

FIVE KINDS OF SEX

The first is Smurf Sex.

This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until
you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex.

This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex.

You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in
the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex.

This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you get divorced and your wife ****s you in front of
everyone in court.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find.
This is his report:
Most honorable sir,
You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see.

No fee,
Cheng Lee

------------------------------------------------------

Washing the Cat

How to wash a cat

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

yours sincerely,
the Dog

RACER X · 12-11-2009, 09:05 AM

Old People...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

-----------------------------------------------------------

CROTCHLESS PANTIES

A mature woman who had been married for many many years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship,
and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in
a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily
tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties."

---------------------------------------------------------

Husband and Wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Particle Man · 12-11-2009, 09:48 AM

the last one

wildchild · 12-11-2009, 10:46 AM

panties lol

LeeNetworX · 12-11-2009, 12:39 PM

I've never received these in my Inbox before.....

12-11-2009, 09:02 AM	#1
RACER X AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Richmond, Tx Moto: '10 Tuono Factory Posts: 4,569	todays funnies Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar? A. A love call. Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor? A. By the ears. (Lick her) Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A. No ball room Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? A. 100 people who don't do dick. Q. What do attorneys use for birth control? A. Their personalities. Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? A. 45 lbs. Q. Why does a dog lick its penis? A. Because it can't make a fist. Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? A. Sexual harassment. Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A. $3.99 a minute. Q. What's the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around. Q. What's the ultimate rejection? A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers? A. They exchanged loads. Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall? A. To see her crack Q. What is the difference between great literature and pornography? A. Literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty. Q. Why does a squirrel swim on its back? A. To keep its nuts dry. Q. Why was Tigger's head in the toilet? A. He was looking for pooh! Q. What did one tit say to the other? A. I hope we get support soon or people will think we're nuts. Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college. Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids! Q. Why do midgets laugh when they run? A. Because the grass tickles their balls! Q. Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? A. They couldn't close his casket. Q. Which is the odd one out a woman, a microwave or a fridge/freezer? A. The microwave, the other two leak when they're **ed! Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A. Dicktator Q. How do you make a snooker table laugh. A. Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls. Q. What's the definition of eternity? A. The time between when you cum and she leaves. Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? A. Stubble. Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven? A. Because if they all went, it would be hell. Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?" A. A blind person with a rubix cube. Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar? A. They went outside to exchange blows. Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? A. He came home shit faced. Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women? A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips? A. Because "pot holder" was already taken. Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob? A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby? A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker. Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video? A. The porn video has better music! Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend? A. You can drop her off where ever you want! ------------------------------------------------------------ On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time........ No one moves................... He removes his shirt................ Muscles rippled across his chest.......... She gasps.................... He whispers in her ear................ ... ... ... ... ... 'Iron this....then get me a beer. -------------------------------------------------------- Conclusion of the day: A backwoods girl from shitville is just turned 13, blonda hair, blue eyes, 5 ft. 8, 100 pounds wonders why she aint married yet... Her brothers must be gay ------------------------------------------------------------ FIVE KINDS OF SEX The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, " you!" There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife *s you in front of everyone in court. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective... The cheapest one he could find. This is his report: Most honorable sir, You leave house. I watch house. He come house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go hotel. I climb tree. I look window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he.. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I no see. No fee, Cheng Lee ------------------------------------------------------ Washing the Cat How to wash a cat This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl... 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this! 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean. yours sincerely, the Dog __________________ ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ 2014 GROM! 181cc of FURY 2010 Aprilia Tuono Factory - SOLD 2009 SFV Gladius - SOLD 2008 Hayabusa - SOLD. Last edited by RACER X; 12-11-2009 at 10:01 AM..*

12-11-2009, 09:05 AM	#2
RACER X AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Richmond, Tx Moto: '10 Tuono Factory Posts: 4,569	Old People... The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!! ----------------------------------------------------------- CROTCHLESS PANTIES A mature woman who had been married for many many years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her partner and the television and naughtily tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Want some of this?" she purred. "Are you kidding?" he replied, "look what it did to those panties." --------------------------------------------------------- Husband and Wife A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." __________________ ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ 2014 GROM! 181cc of FURY 2010 Aprilia Tuono Factory - SOLD 2009 SFV Gladius - SOLD 2008 Hayabusa - SOLD. Last edited by RACER X; 12-11-2009 at 10:02 AM..

12-11-2009, 09:48 AM	#3
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	the last one __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

12-11-2009, 10:46 AM	#4
wildchild cruiser Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: on the run Moto: '09 HD superglide, 16 Yamaha FZ 09 Posts: 2,749	panties lol

12-11-2009, 12:39 PM	#5
LeeNetworX SFL Expatriate #1 Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: ATL Burbs Moto: '09 Triumph Speed Triple Posts: 4,712	I've never received these in my Inbox before.....